See this; a very large painting that I made.


About lotusquotus

I came across myself one day, almost by accident, and promptly realised I was trapped inside it, and outside it, and all about it. At first this struck me with a spurt of panic as one can well imagine, but little by little I began to make peace with this oddest of predicaments. I decided it best to accept the situation and to make the most of it by cleaning and decorating myself and making it a nice place to be. Those moments still appear when my mind is spun back to that original panic and I want to break free of myself. Yet overall, and more and more as time goes on, I am tending slowly, gingerly and peacemakingly towards the inevitable conclusion: I am myself.
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2 Responses to lotusquotus

  1. Hi there Cian. A few things. In no particular order. Im loving the elf dancing. Is the painting for sale? I like the way you describe your first moment of self awareness. I remember being in secondary school and one day realising that ‘I’ was inside my own body looking out. I didnt like the feeling and got frightened and it took some time to learn to stay with it. I’ve thought about it since but never wrote about it or read someone else’s description of it.

    • lotusquotus says:

      Hi Will,
      Thanks for your interest and your questions.
      Yes, I think the painting is for sale, though I can’t remember where it is now or what I’ve done with it. Which is odd, because it’s rather massive. Perhaps it didn’t survive my last house move. I’m open to commissions!
      I read through everything there trying to find where I had described my first moment of self awareness. I guess you mean, being in school and sentences, and ‘and’. Yes, I suppose you could call that a description of my first moment of self awareness. For a while there when I was 12 I got seriously weirded out by the way stuff&life&experience just keeps coming, never pausing to fill you in on what’s going on, never gives context of what’s happening within the broader scope of all reality. Is this the start, middle or end of the movie? We can wake up, and the movie is just running. Endlessly running. Where am I? The overall flow of life doesn’t hold the same attributes as many of the meaningful works we create within it, in that sense. Maybe sometimes we make art to describe how we wish Life was. With a start, middle & end, or a clear border. A 3-minute pop song with a recognisable, definable arc. Plots and characters with clear understandable motives. Religion, too. A story about a god-character who can fill us in on the story so far and tell us what’s what. Not this totally unknowable expanse with no referentials to locate oneself in time, space, purpose, rightness or wrongness. The question that came then was “What is this!?” I’ve since heard this question, when used as a spiritual ‘koan’, a contemplation question, referred to as “the annihilator”.

      I was annihilated.

      Perhaps your deeper, inner question, from secondary school, was the more classical “Who am I?” Widely considered the ultimate spiritual question.
      Who is the “I” that looks out from inside its body?

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